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Practical During MCO

 2020 is indeed full of unexpected scenes and turbulence in life that will without a doubt, catch you off guard. People lost so much in 2020 and I'm afraid so do I. I was doing my practical in a school in Putrajaya when lock down happened and chaos unveiled itself. The experience of teaching that I got before school was off completely was only one month- something that until now, I'm not sure whether it is a blessing or a curse. 

If you are not new to my blog and have been following my yearly and so inconsistent updates, full of grammar errors and misspelled words (because I'm too lazy and simply do not have the luxury time to go through my blog posts), you know how mentally, I'm struggling to keep my mind straight and not leaning towards the realm of insanity. I used to be so confident on stage and would take any responsibility thrown in my direction back in high school but in university, I mellowed out a lot and had to deal with anxiety and social awkwardness. 

So, having this background info in mind, you probably get a glimpse of how my practical went. I was assigned two classes, both upper form students (form 4) and among my friends (other practical teacher), I was the only one who were given form 4 students. I was absolutely freaking out internally because I knew I would be so alone and had no one to turn to when there were things I needed guidance or opinion. Lets just say that in that one month, almost everyday, I headed back home bawling my eyes out. 

There's nothing severely wrong with the students- no. The students were fine. I laughed a lot with them. But I was just so stressed out due to anxiety. It was getting out of hand that at one point, I had an panic attack 5 minutes before I entered my class, and the attack persisted until the end of the class. At first I felt my heart thumping against my chest, so loud and fast that it was definitely unusual. I felt a little bit lightheaded all the sudden but I paid no attention to it and headed for class. When I tried to write something on the whiteboard, I noticed how shaky my hands were and I couldn't write properly. It was overall a very terrible experience for me. 

I was always nervous before entering my class or relieving other classes. I was a fool for feeling that way but some things could not be helped. But anyways, that's all due to my anxiety. Have I gotten better now? No. But I'm working on it. 

So I have to teach students via online and it was extremely hard. It's hard because I have to design my own online material while at the same time it was hard to gain participation from the students. However, I don't blame them. Online classes were overwhelming. Homework were piled up on them so I tried to be more understand and that left me with less than half of the class participating in my classes. But then again, I also blamed myself because I must be the worst teacher that the students did not want me either. So, students, I hereby apologize for existing and ruining your days each and every time you received a notification from me. I still hope everyone, each and everyone of the students I taught be happy wherever they are now. I also want to apologize for being both ugly and awkward and might not be the practical teacher you're looking forward to. I wish you all were under my friends' class as my presence must been a disgrace before your eyes. I humbly apologize, from the bottom of my heart. 

Okay, I'm done with the apologizing session. Majority of us were forced to write our lesson plans by hand which was crazy considering they are close to 100 lesson plans to be made. Lets just say I lost my fingers in the process. They were all numb and red. It was terribly but I'm glad I was able to power through hell and graduate alive. 

I hope those who read my blog would not face this online class (but if you're like me, I hope life is not hard on you). I'm still recovering from my mental health but I experienced major setback as my emotional support system (my cat) passed away, the same way that had caused me a lifelong trauma. So I'm reliving the trauma all over again as I watched him died little by little right before my eyes, day by day.

I'm so tired nowadays but I'm trying to live, I really do. 

I hope you all have better days, better life. 

Thank you. 

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